How “Failing” is the Ultimate Gift

Have you ever been smack-dab in the midst of reaction or heightened emotion – anger, jealousy, confusion, etc. – and said to yourself, “Whooaaaa. What the hell is happening here?”

Well, that’s your Ego at work, and your Authentic Self trying to interrupt it.

Usually, it’s only after an egoic episode that we’re able to rest into a calm, peaceful state that allows us to reflect on and process what happened within us. (And that’s if we bother to do it at all).

Most of us are not aware when we’re in our shit and flailing about in reaction to circumstances. And even if we are aware, most of us don’t like to admit we’re out of control…let alone attempt to do anything to change course.

But that’s Ego. In a split second, it has us justifying every single emotion and action we want to experience.

Wanna be pissed? Ego’s got your back: “Of course you should be angry!” Need to be the victim of your own story? Ego has you covered: “Yeah, they totally screwed you!”

Ego had me in its grip this weekend. And it all started with my decision to bake a lemon yogurt cake for Easter.

The Sneaky Bastard That Is Ego

First, a piece of advice: Never offer to do anything out of a sense of obligation. It’ll inevitably make you resentful, and then you’ll be (to put it mildly) an unpleasant person to be around.

And that was the first piece of wisdom I ignored for myself when I offered to cook and bake for an Easter family gathering.

Here’s what I love about Ego (and when I say “love” I mean the opposite): it’ll even manage to convince you that the things you’ve 100% elected to call into your life and agreed wholeheartedly to do are someone else’s fault. Oy vey.

But back to Easter. Did I want to have family over for Easter? Yes. Did I want to cook all the food and bake the dessert? No.

So, did I do the sensible thing and ask for help or elect to simply (gasp!) buy prepared meals so I didn’t have to do the work? Also no.

Having elected to do all these things of my own free will, did I then choose to start Easter morning with some good deep belly breaths instead of rushing headlong into work I didn’t really want to be doing? Sadly, no.

Would that decision have helped forestall the inevitable meltdown that occurred over the next few hours? Yes. Yes it would’ve.

Second piece of advice: Recognize your fucking patterns. You’ll save yourself and everyone around you some valuable time and sanity.

And this was the second bit of wisdom I soundly ignored.

But It’s So Easy to Be Angry

So there I am, irritably measuring out ingredients, punctuated by grumblings under my breath and slams on the counter when I inevitably spill something or have to re-read directions for the umpteenth time because I’m not present with what I’m doing.

Once the cake goes into the oven, I observe the pile of dishes on the counter. I sigh. (Oh, the sigh! Brings me right back to childhood. Every unhappiness in the world is wrapped up in those sighs). I start in on the dishes with such ferocity that one breaks.

And that, of course, is just the justification I need to be even more vehement in my unhappiness.

I yell out a “Fuck this!” as I gather up the shards of what was just moments ago my fully intact French press.

Now I have to buy a new one! This is exactly why I didn’t want to bake the damn cake in the first place! (Now, I’m not sure how I convinced myself that I somehow knew that baking a cake was going to result in a broken dish, but there you have it).

Then, the clincher: While I was angrily washing/breaking dishes, the lemon-sugar glaze I’d started to simmer on the stove boiled over and scorched. I was only recalled to the fact that I’d started a lemon-sugar glaze when the acrid burnt smell assaulted my nostrils.

Third piece of advice: Don’t try to multi-task when you’re in a tizzy. It’ll never end well.

Ego Plays Its Favorite Tune

The timer goes off. The cake comes out. It’s done on the outside but completely raw on the inside.  Another sigh. Another F-bomb.  

Now, here’s exactly where all of this “pausing, breathing, and noticing” stuff I preach would have come in very handy.

Because I did notice exactly what I was electing to participate in in that moment: egoic rage.

But here’s the thing: I wanted to be in a rage. It felt validating to be angry because then it didn’t have to be my own choices that got me here in the first place.

My Ego could pretend it had all been heaped upon me and I’d been nothing more than a helpless victim in this ridiculous unfolding of events.

So there I am, creating more and more stress and unhappiness within myself, accompanied by thoughts like, You never get this stuff right! and Look at all the time and money you just wasted!

This, of course, prompted shame (I know better than this!), which inevitably led to self-righteous anger (I shouldn’t have to be perfect all the time!)

Wait. Who thinks I’m supposed to be perfect all the time?

Next Time, I’ll Choose Differently

We are gifted so many opportunities to practice this work. And it is work: We are re-wiring our well-established neural pathways every time we choose to question our egoic tendencies.

So how could pausing, breathing, and asking myself a wonder question have changed the entire dynamic of that anger-filled morning?

• Pausing to notice my thoughts and accompanying emotions without attaching a judgment to them could have radically shifted the dynamic of my energy
• Taking a good, deep belly breath could have created the space I needed to distance myself from the egoic thoughts that were now full-on running my show
• Asking myself, “Why am I feeling so defensive and angry about a silly lemon cake?” could have allowed some lightness to break through the seriousness I felt about having “failed” at this task

We descend deeper into our Authenticity when we interrupt in the moment our knee-jerk reactions and choose instead to pause, take a breath, ask a wonder question, and let the answer arise from a more holy place than anything our mind could come up with.

It’s a choice, which waters we want to dive into and learn to swim in.

I’ve learned how shallow the waters of anger and victimization are. And I’d love to know how vast and deep the ocean of Authenticity truly is.

So I re-commit to pausing, noticing, and breathing instead of reacting the next time my Ego tries to lead me back to its shoals.

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