How to Feel ALL the Feelings and Truly Heal 

“Positive vibes only!” 

This exhortation has always irritated me. After all, I can’t live only in positivity; I feel ALL the feels – and I wouldn’t change that for the world.

Read on to discover why feeling our “negative” emotions is one of the most loving things we can do for ourselves. 

Feel All Your Emotions (Even the “Negative” Ones)

My mother-in-law is one of the sweetest women on the planet. Niceness is woven into the very fabric of her being – she’d do anything to deflect pain away from those she loves (which, while not terribly healthy or practical, is still a lovely trait to witness in someone). 

But one fundamental life skill my mother-in-law has never mastered is the art of feeling her feelings. If something arises that makes her feel sad, for example, she simply shrugs and says, “This too shall pass.” And that’s the end of it. 

Except, of course, it’s not. Feelings refuse to be ignored for long: Like an angry toddler, feelings that’ve been shoved aside will inevitably come back louder, more demanding, and more frequently the more we disregard them. 

But disregard seems to be the ethos many self-help gurus embrace when they proclaim we need to “Just think positive!” or have “Positive vibes only!” This implies we’re not supposed to feel anything negative or uncomfortable. Why?

Because we humans have conditioned ourselves to believe emotions like sadness, anger, and fear are somehow bad: We assume it’s the emotions themselves making us feel badly, rather than investigating our ideas about those feelings that actually cause distress. 

Take sadness. How often have you told yourself (or someone else) to stop crying because it won’t fix anything? Or been advised to just let it go so you can feel happy again? 

True healing isn’t us letting go of sadness (or whatever emotion it is we’re trying to avoid experiencing). Instead, it’s us feeling it deeply and transmuting it so it can let go of us. But how? 

Accept “Negative” Emotions Just As They Are

First, we have to accept sadness is present. 

We tend to say things like, “I’m feeling sad,” or, “I’m sad.” But when we utter these words, we’re already identifying with the idea of what we think sadness is. And because we tend to think of sadness as bad or negative – something we shouldn’t want to feel – our immediate response is to turn away from it, push it aside, ignore it, or distract ourselves with something that makes us feel more comfortable. 

So what if, instead, we simply change our statement from “I’m sad” to “There is sadness?”

Can you feel that difference? 

“There is sadness.” We’re just stating a fact: There’s a plant. There’s a cat. There’s sadness. 

What’s brilliant about this is it takes away the energetic charge our minds want to affix to sadness – the hook that tells us we should feel afraid of sadness because, in the past, it’s been associated with pain or hurt in some way. Our ego-mind doesn’t want us to experience that again, so it tries to “protect” us by telling us to stop crying, think of something else, drink a beer, or turn on Netflix.  

So, not “I’m sad,” which ego interprets as something wrong needing to be fixed. Just, “There is sadness,” which is instead neutral and objective.

By neutralizing what is normally a negatively-charged sensation, we create a little space for the one thing we need to truly transform any negative experience into something genuinely positive and healing: curiosity. 

Turn Toward the Uncomfortable

Next, we do something that, for most of us, feels wholly unnatural: We turn toward that feeling of sadness with curiosity and wonder and gently, lovingly, invite it into our lap for a conversation. 

What this means in actuality is that we take a good, deep, full belly breath, then another, then one more. As we breathe, we ask ourselves Wonder Questions, gently letting each question land and noticing what occurs – as if softly dropping pebbles into a still pond and watching ripples flow outward. 

Some Wonder Questions to ask yourself might be: 

• What does sadness feel like? (Is it hot or cool? Heavy or light? Energizing or draining?)

• Where do I feel sadness in my body? (Is there tightness in my throat? A flutter in my tummy? Does it feel like there’s a fist squeezing my heart?)

• What thoughts and images come to mind? (Here, we don’t get attached to whatever may arise in our consciousness. We simply witness, and allow). 

• What does this sadness want me to do? (Cry? Yell? Lay down and rest? Take a walk in the woods?)

We continue this process of breathing, questioning, receiving, and observing until we notice sadness subsiding, not in our minds, but in our bodies. 

The body will naturally relax, the belly and throat loosen, the more we allow ourselves to open to sadness instead of shoving it away. It might take a few minutes, or it might take hours or days; sadness may dissolve in one wave of breath, or it might take several rounds for us to feel complete.

At some point, though, we will feel complete. And it will be felt, not just thought. 

From “Negative” Emotions to True Healing

This will probably feel pretty uncomfortable, at least in the beginning. The ego-mind will inevitably throw up all kinds of resistance in the form of thoughts like, I don’t have time for this right now! or What good can this possibly do me?

But this work of breathing toward, being with, and inviting in our most dreaded feelings is absolutely essential to truly transmute – and eventually transcend – whatever it is that’s gripping us. Such transmutation is vital for authentic healing. And such healing is required for real freedom…be it for ourselves or others.

So, with every new revelation, breathe. Deeply. Let sadness have its way with you, allowing it to manifest in whatever way it needs to, and show you what needs to be shown, without you having to understand or explain it. 

Grieve the loss, mourn the passing, or acknowledge the hurt caused. Don’t ignore or minimize these things; welcome them wholeheartedly, feel them deeply, and allow them to speak their truths. In so doing, you’ll be released from their grip. 

This is the only way: in and through. 

And the next time you’re told to “just stay positive,” gently reply, “No, thanks. I’m choosing to feel and heal this one.”

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