How to Interrupt Projection and Return to Love

When we’re scared, we project. Projection is one of our most reliable weapons of (egoic) self-defense. It’s like a bomb: we hurl it far away from us, hoping it will detonate and wound those we perceive are harming us. 

But those most acutely wounded by projection are, inevitably, ourselves. Because when we project onto others our own fears, doubts, anger, or frustration, we’re ignoring a beautiful opportunity for healing.

When my son recently texted me an angry response to a conversation we’d had, I had a choice: detonate that bomb of rage-filled projection or sit with his words and learn the lessons they were teaching me. 

Recognize Projection Triggers

My son’s message, filled with accusations and recriminations, flooded me with emotions: Anger. Resentment. Disbelief. All quickly followed by sadness, embarrassment, and grief. I immediately pounded out a response:

“Your thinking is wrong. What you’re saying isn’t true. I’ve never done or said those horrible things you’re accusing me of. If you feel that way, that’s your own choice.”

(I don’t know about you, but when told I’m wrong and called a liar, I tend to want to lash out. Not a great way to engage in communication, wouldn’t you agree?)

My second draft wasn’t any better. There was more “I” and less “you,” but the point was still painfully obvious: my son was in the wrong (thereby making me “right” – we’ll get to that in a bit) and it still wasn’t conveying what was true for me in that moment: that I was hurting, feeling shame, loved his soul, and desperately wanted connection.

Realizing this, I stopped typing. I took several belly breaths. I asked myself what it was I really wanted to communicate. What arose was a desire to address, one by one, each negative statement my son wrote, breathe with it, and then be one hundred percent honest with him about what was occurring for me as I read. 

Be Radically Honest

It was one of the most honest things I’ve ever done.

I refused to shy away from any of it. I reread each accusation and addressed it – not in a retaliatory or accusatory way but by sharing what was actually occurring for me in my body as I read it. 

There was nothing for my son to push back against, because I wasn’t accusing him of anything, lashing out in anger, or demanding he do anything to appease me. I was simply communicating what was true for me in my own experience of reading his words.

That’s all projection ever is:
an egoic need to accuse someone else of the very thing we’re most afraid to face in ourselves.

@Writer.Dawn.H

When I finished, something radical shifted for me. I immediately felt a wave of love and gratitude for my son. I was no longer rigid with anger, hurt, or rage; I only felt peace. That’s how I know I was out of projection and into my heart – my body showed me. 

And, as is always the case, a palpable, radical shift like that doesn’t just affect one person. It affects every person involved.

I want to be very clear here. It was only by allowing myself to fully feel those first responses of emotion, and choosing to not respond until that process was complete, that I was able to stop myself from projecting onto my son my own hurt, sadness, and anger. And it was only in the space of that choice that I was able to discover my truth.

Choose Projection, or Love

In pointing out to me the ways he says I make him feel unloved and unworthy, my son is my greatest teacher. 

I can choose to deny the truth of what he’s saying. I can get angry about what he’s saying and lash out. I can be so hurt by what he’s saying that I say or do something hurtful in return. 

But these are all projections: I’m feeling something I don’t want to feel, so I project it away from myself and directly toward the thing that made me feel it in the first place. 

I don’t have to answer hurt with more hurt. I can choose instead to answer in Love. But the only way to get there from a place of hurt, anger, sadness, or rage is to stop. Immediately. Then, (always, always) take a belly breath. 

What my son did was give voice to the doubts and insecurities I already had about my own capabilities as a mother. And that’s what I wanted to project away from myself – some beliefs I’ve carried for a very long time that I’m too afraid to acknowledge. 

That’s all projection ever is: an egoic need to accuse someone else of the very thing we’re most afraid to face in ourselves. Once we do, though, we can choose to respond very differently to things that trigger us. 

We can choose to respond with Love.

Practice Interrupting Projection

My advice to you when it comes to stopping projection in its tracks is this: 

Get out all the ugly stuff your wounded ego wants to hurl away from itself first. Scream it, but into the void – not someone else’s face. Write the text, email, or letter – but don’t actually send it. 

Once it’s removed from your mind, heart, and body, then real alchemy can begin. Because only then can we breathe fully. And with every breath comes new awareness, healings, and miracles that want to be birthed. 

From the physical space that’s created when we breathe (and remove ourselves a bit from the person or situation that triggered harmful emotions in us) arises wisdom. That wisdom springs forth from soul and calls to another’s soul, rather than ego reacting to another’s ego. 

This is the only exchange that’s real. It’s the only exchange in which transformation and healing occurs. They never happen in the realm of ego.

Ego is rigid and untrusting. Soul is the exact opposite. Soul enfolds all, accepts all, and is filled with grace. Soul is where Love resides. And it’s from Love that true communication occurs. 

Once I returned to Love, my son’s soul was free to feel, receive … and give Love right back to me.  And that’s where we should all want to reside, always.

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