This Isn’t You: How to Transcend Your Debilitating Ego

Have you noticed how society loves to divide us into groups and then pit us against one another? Democrat or Republican, logical or spiritual, white or POC, queer or “straight.” This is the purview of the ego:

For, or against.

This creates a false binary, a sense that we can only be either this or that. Such binaries don’t allow for the full, complicated, messy, glorious expression of humanity we inhabit, both collectively and individually. 

The simple fact is we’re all part of one very large, very diverse family: We’re human. 

Yes , there are differences in our appearance,  temperament, values, and abilities. But those differences are precisely what make us unique within what would otherwise be a very homogenous (read: boring) tribe. Remembering this, it feels appropriate to ask:

How are we treating ourselves – and our fellow humans – these days?

Beyond Imaginary Boundaries

My book, The Good Human, arose from asking myself this very question. I wasn’t seeing a lot of mutual respect and goodwill between humans. Too often, I’m still not.

When I ask people what it means to be a good human, I hear a lot of the same answers:

Be empathetic.

Imagine yourself walking in someone else’s shoes.

Be willing to listen and help.

These sound so simple, don’t they? After all, they’re things we’ve all learned at some point in our life. So why are they so easy to ignore, or forget?

Because it takes real work to do the opposite.

To be a truly good human, one who can reach across imaginary boundaries to embrace our fellow human beings instead of pushing them away, there are certain actions we must commit to doing – every day, every moment – until they replace the limited version of ourselves we currently inhabit. 

And perhaps none is more important than identifying, understanding, and transcending our ego.

How the Ego Leads Us Astray

As I wrote a few weeks ago, our ego is that voice inside our head that’s convinced us it’s our best friend. It’s the voice we ourselves created in childhood when we were searching for security and connection.

This voice no longer serves the fully capable adults we now are: It holds us rigidly within our established belief systems, and tells us the unknown is something (or someone) terrifying to be avoided at all cost. 

Problems begin when we identify with this voice, and especially when we identify as this voice. 

Because that voice isn’t us. It’s a thing – an it – something outside of us. We can observe it, and choose whether we want to continue listening to it or not. 

There is more than enough hatred, fear, and hubris at play in the world today.

Those are easy energy states to devolve into because it takes less energy to agree with ego than it does to squash it.

@Writer.Dawn.H

This voice – ego – keeps us rigid instead of flexible. Ego views a disagreement with it as a personal attack. It keeps us stuck, rather than encouraging our personal and collective growth. Ego is more committed to our being right than it is to our being happy.

Ego is anything but our best friend.

Recognize Ego’s Traps

Your ego knows its time is up. So it will kick and scream and try to be the loudest voice in the room to keep you from hearing your authentic voice — the one that knows you are perfectly safe, provided for, and loved.

Our job is to pat ego on its head, thank it for its service, and send it packing. It’s only when we silence the ego that we can ascertain for ourselves, finally, what it is we stand for and who we want to be.

We must get quiet before we can truly hear. And we can’t do that if ego is throwing a fit in the middle of our living room.

An easy way to do this is to train ourselves to recognize a few predominant patterns as they emerge. If we find ourselves thinking the following, we can be assured of ego’s presence:

• Always/Never: “You always forget,” or, “They’ll never understand.”
• Should/Shouldn’t: “You should pay more attention,” or, “They shouldn’t behave that way.”
• Broad Generalizations: As in, “Republicans are brainwashed,” or, “Immigrants are criminals.”

All these statements are indicative of judgments, not discernment. Judgment comes from a place of self-righteousness and false morality; it usually means we think we’re better than someone else or that their behavior needs to be “fixed.” 

But humans are not problems to be solved. We are ever-changing beings with an infinite capacity for higher consciousness.

Which means no one will always or never be any one thing. Neither you nor I should or shouldn’t be doing anything, because there are no wrong actions — only opportunities for learning.

Free From Ego’s Grasp

So how do we free ourselves from ego’s grasp once we recognize we’re in it?

Like most answers in life, this one is deceptively simple, yet sometimes feels impossible to execute: We ask questions. 

These are questions designed to get down to the nitty-gritty of our innermost Self — and that is not a place we’re taught we should want to explore.

After all, it’s sometimes ugly and hostile there. We might discover we’ve been an asshole, or haven’t been living by our professed value systems. That can feel uncomfortable to confront, and we love to avoid those things that make us squirm.

But since we’re dedicated to dismantling ego and becoming much better humans, these questions need to be asked.

• When did I first have this thought?
• Have I ever questioned this thought?
• What do I believe will happen if this thought turns out to be false?
• Can I know with 100% certainty that this thought is true for everyone, all the time?
• How do I feel in my body when I think this thought?
• What might it be like to live without this thought? 

Notice we’re not looking for scapegoats in others. We’re turning inward to see what might be churning around in there. 

Essentially, we’re doing the exact opposite of what ego would have us do: stay in auto-pilot, never question anything, and just keep on truckin.’

Instead, we’re willing to sit with what comes, in all of its uncomfortable glory, and allow that to be a sign there’s something worth exploring.

We sit in stillness so the answers can be heard. And then, we take action on what arises. This is what it means to truly “transcend” something. 

Make the Choice

There is more than enough hatred, fear, and hubris at play in the world today. Those are easy energy states to devolve into because it takes less energy to agree with ego than it does to squash it.

What’s harder is to choose to be brave enough to question our thoughts and beliefs, and be willing to let them go.

So let’s each of us commit right now to birthing the opposite of low-level consciousness. Let’s bring forth love, compassion, and humility into our daily practices and interactions with our fellow human beings.

Let’s agree to remember there’s no true separation between ourselves and the human beings we share space with on this planet, except that which we create ourselves.

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Want more Wonder Questions to play with? Download my free 9 Radical Practices Action Guide.

And as always, I’d love to hear from you. Leave me a comment and let’s continue the conversation!