How to Forgive: Three Practices For Healing

We hear about forgiveness all the time. It’s important to forgive. Forgive and forget. But what does it mean to truly forgive?

It means something much more than just an idea or concept that lives in the mind. True forgiveness shifts us radically on a cellular level. 

It means we can recall a person or situation we thought caused us pain, anger, or suffering, and feel nothing but compassion. We are minus judgment, totally. 

Who deserves forgiveness?

Everyone. Rapists. Murderers. War criminals. Pedophiles. Politicians who lie to us. Those who have violated us, left us, hurt us. Those who have stripped us of our rights, or oppressed and suppressed us.

You. Me. Them (whoever “they” might be).   

Why?

Because in the beginning, when our souls first entered the world, they were perfect and complete (in fact, they still are). Before false thoughts and beliefs entered our consciousness and began directing our actions, we were pure joy, delight, and innocence. 

And we all deserve an opportunity to remember, and return to, that place.

In Judgment, We Can’t Forgive

Very early on, most of us experienced a disconnection from Self and identified wholly with Ego. We “knew” ourselves to be separate, both from each other and from Source (or, God). 

This perceived separation is what allows us to erroneously judge the experiences of others, and ourselves. 

After all, if you are “other,” then you aren’t me, and therefore I feel safe to judge you and condemn you, and feel the need to help bring you to the light and make you see “right.”

If I am separate from Source, then I can judge my own events and circumstances as negative,  hurtful, and harmful, something happening to me rather than something I myself have created by choosing to respond in a certain way. 

Judgment is victimization. Either we’re victimizing someone else with our judgment, or we believe we’re being victimized by someone else’s. And we victimize ourselves with self-judgment and self-loathing.

In the body, judgment feels hard. Inevitable. Justified. We feel self-righteous, morally superior, and disdainful of other’s choices. We “know” we’re “right.” 

The problem here is that if we’re right, then inherently, someone else is wrong. And if someone is wrong, then we’re justified in engaging in all sorts of fear-based, harmful behaviors to “correct” them: 

Enslavement, violence, punishment, control, manipulation…all these derive from our misplaced judgment, which itself is born from fear. So, too, are the more subtle energies of guilt, shame, doubt, confusion, anger, and depression. 

We need to pause here to remember a vital truth:

Judgment is not the same as wise and blameless discernment. Judgment is angry, defensive, and fearful. Discernment is calm, invitational, and loving. 

We can be free of judgment and practice forgiveness while simultaneously discerning the truth of a situation and acting with wisdom and grace to heal it. 

How Forgiveness Feels

From a place of judgment, I feel enraged and terrified when I think of my civil rights – such as access to abortion – being stripped from me. This thought triggers one of my core beliefs: I am not safe here. 

But from a place of discernment, this same event remains neutral. I empathize with the human beings making decisions that affect my civil rights because I recognize the fears leading them to do so. I recall the places in me that have also sought to control the choices of others.

I forgive them for this decision. At the same time, I discern it’s not one rooted in love (which is expansive and freeing), but in fear (which is reactive and controlling). 

From this place of wise discernment, I can choose to take fierce, compassionate action that aligns with creating more love and freedom, but now it comes from a place of peace rather than reactivity.

Forgiveness is the exact opposite of judgment. Forgiveness of others’ (and our own!) choices and actions — even the most seemingly heinous ones — softens all that remains rigid within. 

Forgiveness releases us from the bondage of our judgments, the ones that say, “But you’re wrong.” The ones that keep us locked in anger, guilt, shame, and projection. The ones that do nothing at all to bring about healing, peace, joy, and light. 

But to truly forgive, we can’t just utter the words, “I forgive you,” while seething inside with pent-up rage. We can’t stop at just thinking we should forgive someone. 

Forgiveness must be embodied. We must breathe it into our bones until every nuance of judgment and projection is extinguished. 

How do we know when we’ve fully forgiven someone else, ourselves, or our circumstances? 

When we can recall the person or event and feel nothing inside except utter compassion and peace.  

Forgiveness isn’t an act. It’s a way of being. And it’s essential to return to wholeness.

Forgiveness Practices

• Imagine the person vexing you as a young child. Picture the contours of their face, their unruly hair, the mischievous expression or angelic light beaming out of their eyes. Who was this child before the lies of their ego took over? Where might that innocent child still be found within the being before you? (*Hint: This is an excellent exercise to practice with yourself, too!)

• Ask yourself, “Where am I racist/sexist/manipulative/controlling/violent?” Once we humbly acknowledge the very trait we’re judging in another also exists somewhere within us, it becomes impossible to continue projecting our judgment and blame outward. This frees us to begin healing the very aspect of ourselves we were previously judging in another. 

• Set aside for the moment the event or person you perceive is causing you distress. Ask yourself, “What’s being triggered here? What core belief exists within me that might not be true? What am I afraid of?” 

Breathe. Allow thoughts, images, and sensations to appear. Remain curious about what they are and why they’re arising. Be willing to discover where they lead you. 

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